Dormant, Contained and Insipid; Words I lived by on-and-off for about 7 years. Why? When faced with grief after death, I chose fear. I simply could not deal with death and with success thereafter. I stopped believing in my life.
I had never dealt with loss, and when my grandmother (Ana) died, I was devastated. I mourned. Six months later, a drunk driver killed my boyfriend and good friend (Jarod). Overwhelmed by grief, I shattered.
Here’s the thing: When we experience loss it feels like we too should die. And yet we don’t. There is a reason for that, but we refuse to see past the pain. We are humans and thus flawed.
Flawed, yes, and alive. This realization paralyzed me. I could not find a way to deal with reality nor with a way to live fiercely. I was consumed with failing. I gave up my ambitions, passions and voice. I welcomed uncertainty. I chose to be extinguished- an ember on its way to ash, a flame no more.
My waking death consisted of inflicting the worst torment I could withstand. I smoldered any goals I had set for my life. My judgment: a world with no art, no music, no words and least of all success. Absolution never came. Drumming up the courage to sketch/paint, to play, or to write became a difficult, almost impossible, remedy.
Am I still sentenced? Not quite.
In the past 3 years, I struggled to make the shift from suffocation to breath. And as I fought to find my way, I discovered the blessings in my life: hope, faith and love. The hope, I have not lost absolutely. The faith, I found to dream passionately absent of fear. And the love, which carries me through life’s ups and down.
Speaking of love, I did find it again. And though, I loved fervently; the man I loved did not truly exist. In the end, he only brought me deception, manipulation and tears. Regardless of what I feel for this man now or where I stand with him, I am blessed to say that our love produced a baby!! I am 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and I’m 23 days from my expected due date of December 30, 2011.
My undying commitment is to my son and to myself. This is my journey, and I would like to share it here with ALL who dare visit my blog. ;) Advice, Experiences, Freebies/Giveaways, Projects… the options are limitless, and I will share every bit of it in this space.
What I have found is: LIFE is too short to waste, DO as much as possible. Don’t take the details- the small moments in life- for granted. It’s the details that stay with us. It’s the details that we remember… Always and Forever.
First DO: Launch this blog (my first ever) and Etsy site!! J
Stay tuned... More details underway!!
